Why I won't be going to another festival

There are lots of bad things about festivals, but really I think I can put up with most of them:

Mud - Buy a pair of wellingtons, then it really isn't much of a problem. And it gives your thighs a good workout walking through it for three days.

Weather - It might rain, but again this isn't a problem if you are properly attired, and I've finally cracked the way to dress at a festival. Flimsy dress (it will dry quickly), tights and wellingtons, add cardigan & waterproof jacket as required. Looks good but practical. I was told by a random woman that I looked perfect! This was on the second day - she may not have said that same by the end of the third day, but still it was a nice thing to have said.

Toilets - They are going to be horrid but its only a couple of minutes out of your life. It also stops you drinking too much as you don't want to have to go more than is strictly necessary.

Sleeping in a Tent - the way forward is definitely Tangerine Fields - a perfectly pitched tent waiting for you, with no hassle. Ours didn't leak despite the rain and I was warm enough.

Queuing - you queue to get in, you queue for beer, you queue for food and worst of all you queue for the loo. Its boring, but I'm English, its practically a national sport.

Lack of Cleanliness - everyone is the same situation, so it really isn't that big a deal. Its amazing what you can do with an assortment of wipes and dry shampoo. It is probably better if the weather isn't too good though as lots of sweaty bodies is actually worse than mud.

So what is it that has made me decide I don't want to go to another festival? Let me explain.

Whilst undoubtedly there is more to most festivals than the headline acts (especially at Glastonbury), to me it is still about music, one way or another. The camping and all that other stuff is just a means to an end, a way to get to see a lot of good bands and DJs at once. But it would seem that to many other festival goers, this isn't the means to an end, but the end itself. There were people in our field who weren't bothering to go into the festival site much, they were content to sit around outside their tents, smoking and talking. And I can't see the point in paying £130 to do that, but it seems I'm in the minority.

The reason I'm in the minority of course is that I don't smoke cannabis/dope/weed (I don't even know what people call it these days). I have absolutely nothing against this for a health/legality/moral standpoint, but really it is incredibly dull. Stoned people are incredibly dull. And I don't need a drug to make me dull - I'm boring enough naturally.

So I'm trying to get some sleep and I'm actually pretty good at sleeping when there is noise. If I'm tired enough I'll crash out. But having to listen to the inane, repetitive conversations of stoned people was too much for me.

There was one group of twenty-somethings who were all enthralled to the ramblings of an older bloke (probably late 40s, but it was hard to tell) - we'll call him the Tin Pot Philosopher (TPP). I've honestly never heard some much nonsense come from one human being. He sang sang the entire theme tune from the kids' programme 'Poddington Peas' much to everyone else's delight, as if they were witnessing the second coming of John Lennon. TPP then incesantly made comparisons between a dog's penis and a lipstick (I swear he must have said this 50 times between the hours of 4am and 6am). Then apropos of nothing (at around 7.30), he just shouted 'Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly' - I'm well aware that this is the name of a band, but why he chose to shout it then wasn't clear.

But the final straw was when one of his followers asked him what the meaning of life was. His response:

'I'd rather be an Emporer Penguin than give you a simple answer to that question'

So that is why I'm not going to festivals anymore.

Get Yourself Connected

We went to the festival for the music, so here it is.

Friday

Andy Votel (DJ Set) - he turned up very late, which gave the DJ before an excuse to play 'Slave to the Rhythm' by Grace Jones, which is unacceptable. Votel played a lot of good stuff that nobody else has ever heard of, which is kind of the point, but makes writing about it difficult.

The Aliens - A band comprising a couple of ex-members of the Beta Band and Lone Pigeon. They were ok, but really haven't developed a distinctive sound of their own yet. Apart from the song Robot Man, everything they did sounded like something from the 60s, which normally I don't mind, but really I could pretty much sing 'Jean Genie' in its entirety over one song, and another was just 'Comfortably Numb'.

The Jesus & Mary Chain - the main reason for going and they didn't disappoint. Despite recent reports, I was pleased to see that Jim Reid did not look like Pete Postlethwaite. Yes, they're older (but aren't we all? Most people at the festival were over 30) but they didn't sound old which was the main thing. The OH expressed some disappointment that the whole crowd didn't sing along with 'Snakedriver' as he was looking forward to hearing thousands of people singing "I've got syphilitic hetro friends in every part of town".

The Go! Team - we just saw the last two songs of their set. I hate them with a passion. Their music is ok, some of its quite good, but they are just too upbeat for me, and the woman's inane chatter drives me mad. "Tonight, we are going to do the live version of this song". Stating the bleeding obvious woman, what else were you going to do playing live?

Beastie Boys - I must say I was rather disappointed with them. I don't know what more I was expecting (I've seen them twice before so kind of know what they do) but following the majesty of the JAMC, they sounded a bit like a novelty act. The best bit was Mike D threatening to storm the castle and take on the Duke, and claiming that their DJ had made the streets safe to walk by killing the Loch Ness monster.


Saturday

1990s/Fire Engines/The Only Ones - We fully intended to see these groups, and I really wish we had, however we got caught up in a conversation with a fisherman/farmer called Graham in the pub. He hadn't heard of any of the bands on the bill except Bjork (who he mispronounced) and who quizzed us about the festival and life in London as if we were aliens. Big wave to Graham if he's reading, which of course, he won't be, because he doesn't own a compter.

Bats for Lashes/Vashti Bunyan - we saw the end of the former, waiting for the start of the latter, but left after two songs of Vashti as frankly she was poor. She had a huge choir on stage with her, and didn't seem to be singing much herself. Both acts were a bit wet really.

Teenage Fanclub - There's nothing to not like about the Fannies (as a few people still call them). They call melodic power power, they play very well and I seemed to know all of the words to most of their songs, despite not having bought an album by them for about 12 years.

Modest Mouse - the OH stayed at the main stage to watch Mogwai and I braved walking across the site on my own to see Modest Mouse, and I'm really glad I did. They now have Johnny Marr playing guitar for them, after he replied to an ad looking for a Johnny Marr-like guitarist. Johnny Marr is the most beautiful person on the planet. This is a fact. He's also pretty good on the guitar and I think most people were there to see him, which most be difficult for any band he joins. I wasn't just there to see him (I've gone beyond walking through mud because I fancy a guitarist) -I do actually like Modest Mouse. They played a great set and played my favourite song 'Bukowski' which I really didn't think they would.

Echo & The Bunnymen - another band we didn't actually see. Ordinarily we would have, but they were up against Primal Scream. A lad from Bath said he was going to watch them because he'd 'probably never get the chance to see them play to so few people again' - this argument didn't persuade us - I can understand the rational if it is seeing them in a small venue, but not just because they aren't as popular as another band. I feared McCulloch would take it personally.

Primal Scream - I cannot remember how many times I've seen Primal Scream live, but I do know that this is the most sober I've ever been, even though I was sipping a mojito throughout their set! It started ominously when someone in the crowd soaked Mani with a pint of lagar and Mani called a halt to everything and invited the coward who'd thrown it to come up stage and have a proper fight. Unsurprisingly nobody stepped forward. Besides this minor setback, they were on good form. Bobby was upbeat and danced like a fool. The songs from the last record sounded pretty good, but it was the old stuff that was the best. They ended with 'Damaged' 'Loaded' and 'Movin' On Up' - all brilliant. Bizarrely, they didn't play 'Kowalski' which we'd heard being soundchecked all day.


Sunday

Idlewild - We saw them do a soundcheck on our walk into the town. I'm not a fan really but it sounded pretty good.

Paul Hartnoll's Ideal Condition - They were excellent and they did a version of Orbital's The Box with instruments. But (and this is hardly their fault), I don't really want to hear Orbital stuff anymore - it makes me too nostalgic for a time that has passed.

Polyphonic Spree - one of the highlights of the festival. They set up behind a big red ribbon which Tim de Laughter cut through in a heart shape. They know how to put on a show. They started off in their new black military uniforms but they were still singing songs about the sun. Then they went off and changed into their robes, and did a cover version of Nirvana's Lithium (see below & fast forward 3 minutes). Near enough Gospel music. I had to put my sunglasses on as I was very near to crying (and I wasn't alone).


The Bays - Really really good dance music. We couldn't stay for all their set as we had to watch Big Star.

Big Star - I was so worried this was going to be bad, but it wasn't. We were stood right at the front - thank you to the OH for standing through this, even though he doesn't really know them. They were pretty good and played Ballad of El Goodo' which was great. I was slightly disappointed that they didn't play some of my favourites (She's a Mover, Get What You Deserve) but I'm still really pleased I saw them. They made a few good jokes about Teenage Fanclub too.

LCD Soundsystem - Very disappointing. They didn't do 'Losing My Edge' or 'Jump into the Fire'. We should have gone to see Hot Chip instead.

Outdoor Gear

I'm sat in Glasgow Bus Station looking at the rucksack at my feet, and the label on it that says 'Outdoor Gear'. I can't believe that I own something called 'Outdoor Gear', much less have cause to use it.

My youth was (mis) spent in clubs, gigs, cinemas, galleries - I am decidely indoorsy. But here I am about to get on a bus to the middle of nowhere, where I will spend three nights in a tent.

How did this happen? What mistakes did I make in life that led me at 32 years of age to be going to be camping at a music festival?

The next few posts are the story of my recent trip to the Connect Music Festival. Its a tale that involves Music, Mud and Mojitos, but mainly Mud.

Music was my first love...

After the not very good Flaming Lips gig last year, I really did think I might never see another live band again. We considered going to Glastonbury again this year (quite a few of our friends are going) but then we realised we didn’t really fancy it that much – in my case I was mainly worried I’d be missing out on something. In the ‘are we too old for this festival lark’ conversation I talked about which bands we would actually want to see live – it wasn’t a very long list and many of the bands on it didn’t seem that likely to actually play anyway.

But then a few weeks ago I saw an ad in the Observer (how civilising and middle class we are now!) for the Connect Music Festival. The line-up was pretty close to my list of who we would go to a festival to see – Primal Scream (obviously), Jesus & Mary Chain (reformed with Bobby back on drums!), LCD Soundsystem, Hot Chip and this bit I was stunned by, Big Star! All in the grounds of a castle by the a loch which looks stunning.



But there was still the issue of it being a festival which involves camping, tents and all sorts of other unnatural things ("if we were meant to camp, God wouldn’t have given us hotels", has always been my motto). I contacted every hotel, B&B and caravan park within the area but they were all booked already. So we were faced with the choice of camping or not going. So we are camping but deluxe camping, where the tent is already prepared for you complete with airbeds and new sleeping bags, so all we have to do is turn up. To soften the blow, we are staying a hotel in town the night before and then one night in Glasgow on the way back. Since we’ve bought the tickets, Polyphonic Spree and Modest Mouse (also from our list) have been added to the bill. I'm almost not dreading the camping now.


Then this week the line-up is announced for Jarvis Cocker's Meltdown - and he had Roky Erickson of the 13th Floor Elevators playing, supported by Clinic. Two more from the list! How good this will be remains to be seen as Roky has had a rather difficult past but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm not sure how much this counts as being back into music as most of these are reformed groups rather than new bands but I'm genuinely excited by it all.

I'm also quite keen on seeing Macbeth at the Open Air Theatre this summer, but I think I might have used up all of the OH's good will towards obscure cultural outings for a while.