In an ideal world

I would wear nothing but little 60s style dresses. Unfortunately, the English weather, work place dresscode and my ever-swelling thighs and advancing years prevent it.

I have a couple of dresses like this - I cannot resist them whenever I find them in shops. They hang in my wardrobe, largely unworn, but not unloved.

Hate is a very strong word...

But I hate bowling. (Ten-pin, not crown green or boules)

Its not 'a great night out' and its not much of a sport.

For a while, I was convinced I was adopted or there had been a mix up in the hospital because of bowls - my dad was an excellent bowler - he dated the UK women's champion for years, so then my mum felt she had to become good at it too.

I also detest multiplexes - 10 screens & not a decent intelligent film showing on one of them. Often these crimes against culture are found next to bowling alleys. Throw in a few fast food places to satisfy the unthinking masses and you've a perfect example of what is wrong with this country.

If Charles Dickens was alive today

he could work for spammers making up senders names.

Today I have received emails from the following:

• Edna Conrad
• Amina Milliener
• Tristan Hickey
• Bertam Sweet

and most gloriously, from Baggins Thermostatic.

Journey to the Gates of Hell (aka a trip to Morrisons)

I haven't been to Morrisons for ages - we do are shopping on the internet now, under the pretext that we haven't got time to go to the supermarket when we finish work, but really its because I hate going there. But this morning, I thought I would brave it. It was worse than I remembered.

The smackhead Big Issue seller was still outside. He's changed his hairstyle since I last saw him. Can't say its much of an improvement. I'm not just assuming he's a junkie because he's homeless. I know he is because I've seen him with his foil out on the train. (Tangent: after one particularly heavy night when I looked rather wrecked, I remember being a bit embarrassed when I needed to buy some foil thinking that the shopkeeper would assume I was buying it for drug reasons - I wasn't, I was doing baked potatoes - but I still looked guilty and got embarrassed buying it)

They've made some changes to the interior of the store to try to make it less pikey looking - some of the wine is on wood-effect shelves and they have branded wheelchairs by the door for use by older customers. It still retains an air of menace. There were gangs of youths marauding the aisles - they appeared to be buying orange juice, but the threat of violence wasn't far away.

The one thing I do like about going to the supermarket which you miss out on online is seeing what other people are buying. I love this - I'm so nosey. The woman in front of me was buying a small wholemeal loaf, a piece of ginger, some sugarfree gum and a pint of milk, the old couple behind me were shopping as if their trolley was the ark - everything was going in two by two - they must have taken advantage of every BOGOF offer in there (I bought a bag of Quorn mince, hair dye and a toothbrush).

Coincidentally, I knew the woman on the till from the days when I used to work over the road. My friend Colin has a bit of a crush on her - doomed of course as she's married with kids. As a sign of his affection, he once took her in a loaf of bread he'd made - this being a supermarket with an instore bakery - to compound the inappropriateness he even wrapped it in a Tesco carrier bag. She was still sweet and cheery despite having to work in such a hole. If only I could be so sanguine.

I love The Ramones.....

Not just for their songs and certainly not for the now ubiquitous t-shirt (cheers Urban Outfitters). But everything about them. A lead singer with no social skills and OCD, a right-wing guitarist who sees the band as a business and (best of all) a junkie sometime rent-boy bass player who would rather be rapper, plus a succession of drummers. They were great. Ok, so they were guilty of some terrible rock cliches (Spinal Tap owes them alot) and never quite made it really huge, but somehow this just adds to their appeal. Dee Dee is my favourite.

This probably says more about me than any biography, so seems an apt way to start this blog.